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12*18*2007

My beautiful baby girl was born 7*6*07. I really hoped for 7*7*07 but she just couldn't wait. I had to have an emergency c-section. That sort of changed the whole experience, I'm sure...though I've never had a natural childbirth to compare it to.

All those years of insomnia are cured. My sleep is at the mercy of Baby but as soon as I can, I fall asleep within minutes.

I'm happy. Truly, completely, happy. Not just content, but overwhelmed with satisfaction. I have moments that I'm sure any parent has, that I expected, of feeling like I'm short in some areas...but I get over them quickly. The first few months were filled with guilt, fear, and a strange depression mixed with happiness if that's possible? Now that she's 5 months old, the guilt and depression are gone. I still have random fears, like what if something happens to me or Bill? If I had another baby someday would it be fair to her? If I didn't, would that be fair? Could I smother her? Could I take her for granted? I don't want to be needy or distant...

Then I just have to snap out of it.

Who knew there was this much beauty in life?

Every relationship I have with friends & family is good, strong, and loving. My car is paid off. The house hunting will begin soon. The job situation is iffy because it seems I can't work for a company for more than 5 years without mergers or whatnot. I don't even care! If I have a job, great. If I get to stay home with Baby, great. That's how blissful things are...nothing matters more than what's really important. And I'm in a stable environment that can support changes like that.

I don't need to write here anymore. I probably won't. There's no drama to work out for the internet anymore. Besides, I doubt anyone reads anymore anyway. Just in case someone does, and needs closure...I have my happy ending.

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11*12*2006

On 11/2, I went to the doctor to see if round 2 of the fertility drugs worked.  I was sure I was pregnant, Mother Nature certainly didn't tell me otherwise.  However after waiting for 2 inbearable hours, she came in and said, "Well, the test is negative.  I bet that's what you're waiting to hear."

"No."

"Well...what do you want to hear?"

"That it's not negative."

I was sure I was going to cry but I just went numb.  She did her exam and wrote out the prescriptions for the next round.  She started me on progesterone pills so I could start my period sooner and speed up the process.  I guess my hope wasn't completely crushed yet because I managed to ask her how long after ovulation it would take for a test to show positive and she just looked at me like I was pitiful.

My Grandpa called me out of the blue.  He usually only calls on birthdays or holidays and the rest of the time I call him.  He's been so lonely since Dona died... I put on my cheery voice and pretended that everything was fine even though my hopes had been severely beaten.  I told him that I was in good health despite my doubts that my father would ever be a grandfather.

My closest friends kept saying, "Well?!?!?!"  And when I said no, they said, "Are you sure???  You have so many symptoms."

Isn't it great that even they have wishful thinking for me?

A week later, Mother Nature was still ignoring me despite the progesterone.  I took it upon myself to take another pregnancy test.  It was positive.  I took another one, negative.  Then I realized they were both expired...and in full flipping out mode, I called Bill and made him go get new ones.  They were all positive.   ALL.  Except I couldn't believe it.  So the next day I went to the doctor to confirm and they confirmed.  Instead of crying, Bill and I sat there looking dumbfounded even though this has been our total focus for so long.

The Dr. and the nurse kept looking at each other and made me get hormone levels checked.  They seemed to think something could be wrong but wouldn't tell me?   Considering the fact that my hormone levels being low was a problem in the first place...it made me worry.  But they said, "Just be happy and relax!"

It's very early...I'm only 5 weeks.  I had to tell my mother so that she wouldn't smoke in the house anymore.  For the last few years she's confined it to one room, but even that isn't good enough for me.  I asked her not to tell anyone.  I mean, isn't it taboo to tell everyone until you're 12 weeks...out of the danger zone?   We all know what bad things can happen.

But she was so excited.  I saw her eyes dart across the street to see if Sally was home.  Nope.  She goes, "I think I should tell Leigh!  What if you pass out in the middle of the street!"

I told her that if I pass out in the middle of the street that hopefully they would help me whether they knew the reason why or not?

So she sighed and informed me she was taking a walk.  She never "walks."   This time, she walked herself right over to Leigh's house and blabbed.

I told my friend Tiffany because she works and the library and it's like having my own personal delivery service for books...and how many books can I possibly fit in during 9 months????

I decided to call my Grandpa back.  I asked him how he was holding up and if he keeps busy.  He told me that his homeowner's insurance decided not to renew the insurance on his Florida house, his prosthetic leg broke, and he had to get a flu shot.   He doesn't go out much, not because his retirement park friends don't invite him, but because he's barely getting by.  So I decided to tell him that for Christmas I'm going to give his son the news that he's going to be a grandfather.

"I just talked to him!  He has NO idea!  Christmas?  This is wonderful!  It's the best news I've heard in 3 years.  That's just great..."

When he started running out of steam, I mentioned the Democrats had control of the House again and that got him all happy again. 

"Things are definitely looking up.  This is marvelous!"

And it made me so happy that I could give him something to be happy about with all the grief he's dealt with.  And every time I think about my Grandma these days tears come to my eyes.  Of course I have an excuse now.

I think at least a dozen people know in just a matter of days despite my intentions to wait.  But then I talked to my Aunt Karen and she pointed out that even if the worst happens, I should tell people now to enjoy it while I can.  I think that's the best advice she's ever given me.

I'll be having a sonogram at the end of the month to see how many babies there are.   They say that the fact that my mother is an identical twin has no bearing genetically and that it's an old wives' tale...but "they" can kiss my big toe.   And with the drugs I was on, I'm at 12% higher risk for multiples.  Enough risk to get an early sonogram anyways.  We'll see.

My baby has a heartbeat.

I can't wait!

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