10*7*2006
There once was a time that I wrote my deepest, darkest feelings on the internet on a daily basis. For a brief moment, there were people actually out there that read my thoughts.
But that was then and this is now. I'll start with facts and then if I can stomach it, I'll get to feelings....at least that's the plans. You know how plans go...
Health
The good news: I probably don't, and never did have, fibromyalgia.
The bad news: My 20's are gone and the "should have's" are killing me.
After nearly 9 years, who's to say in what order things actually went downhill? I'm insulin intolerant. My body is in a diabetic state without me actually having diabetes. I now have to take med's for diabetes. I say, "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck..."
Ok. Stay with me here! Insulin intolerance is known to lower progesterone. Progesterone is a key player in the immune system, anti-inflammatory system, cholesterol, and thyroid functions. Can you imagine that I have problems, major problems, in all 4 of those areas and 9 years into the struggle a doctor finally thinks to test it? I have none. Well, 0.9. POINT 9. Less than 1! The doctor said that she would have been happy with anything over 10. Without the POINT.
So....in addition to problems in the above 4 areas, low progesterone has also left me with cysts all over my ovaries. Yay.
So here I am. In the second cycle of fertility drugs to not only control the cysts, but to get pregnant and have my baby safely before I go on all the medication I need that I can't take if I want babies. And I sooooo want babies.
I want babies so bad that I feel like my heart will stop whenever I allow myself to consider the possibility that I may never actually get pregnant or be able to carry a baby. I want them so badly that the pangs of jealousy literally physically hurt when everyone around me is pregnant or carrying their fresh new baby in their arms.
This is more than baby lust.
It could be the hormones? It could be that I want it even more since I may not be able to have it? I don't know. I've always wanted to be a mother. I've always wanted babies. The clock has stuck now I guess.
I'm sick all the time. It's painful actually, what I feel. In slasher movies, where the villain shreds the victim and you see guts all over the place in pieces...it's like that's been done to me without breaking the skin.
Ok...so that was the facts and then the feelings about my health.
Work
I still have a job. I'm applying for another position at the same company that is currently laying off people probably as I type this...but I manage to survive so far. I don't hate going to work. I don't particularly like my job. But I don't hate it. I loved Disney, but as much as I loved it, there were days that I really hated going to work. Hated.
Family
I thank God every day for Bill. Marriage isn't that hard. To some people, I'm still a rookie in the 3rd year, but he's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Brian is in his 6th month of sobriety. He works 12 hours a day 7 days a week. He has a personal trainer and works out 1 1/2 hours a day, 6 days a week. He's lost 30 lbs and is getting very toned. He even makes it to church on Sundays.
My parents are both diabetic now. It's forcing them to be healthier than they've ever been. This is particularly hard on my mother who previously lived on chocolate and diet Pepsi.
My step-grandmother died on September 22nd. (My grandfather's wife not my step-mother's mother.) I considered not going. I didn't have heart-to-heart chats with her every Sunday. I liked her and respected her, but how do I justify leaving work, missing classes, spending money I don't have, and missing doctor appointments in the middle of infertility treatments? But this was the woman who took me to the circus and brought me gifts whenever she visited. She is one of my few relatives that actually lived near me when I was a child. As an adult, despite the lack of heart to hearts, she taught me several things about life. More importantly, she was the love of my grandfather's life. After he told me about how she died in his arms and it would mean a lot to him if I was there, how could I say no? So we drive 800 miles, went to both visitations, slept for a minute, went to the funeral, watched Grandpa lean over and kiss her goodbye, gave him a hug, and drove 800 miles home.
Then I got sick. Not just hormone sick, but head cold sick. Buckets of snot and lack of oxygen sick.
But I digress. Back to Family... Aunt Janet has been in and out of the hospital for the past 2 months. She wails in agony with all the pain she's in. Part of me hurts for her, and part of me is angry at her for giving up on managing what was left of her health and putting herself where she is now. Khara is pregnant again. <jealous pang>
Friends
I love my friends. I don't question any of them. I have them all over at the same time. They all talk to each other and respect each other and it's fantastic. There is no akwardness or fear about personality clashes. I have people that I can confide in and have fun with at the same time and vice versa.
Rashida called me for the first time in two years. Her father passed away September 30th. It was a 20 minute conversation with 15 minutes of tears. I said the usual, "If there's anything I can do..." And she said, "I just need friends." Ok. So I went to the funeral and hugged her and her brand new 8 week old baby boy. <owwwwww> And I felt horrible for her. She was a preacher's daughter. Daddy's little girl. He had moved to Arkansas to start a new church and only got to hold her son once. She's right. Not fair. And despite the numerous times I've given up on Rashida for the same reasons over and over...and knowing that she probably still hasn't changed and we're going to repeat the cycle, if she needs me I'll be there.
Tracey's mother passed away Memorial day weekend. Of course I haven't written since then, but she was heartbroken. I went to the funeral. And her kids, who I've become very close to, asked me to take care of their mommy. So I do. This time, I'm confident that my time, money, and energy are well spent and it's reciprocal. I've learned.
So what's left?
I'm unbelievably stressed out. I'm depressed and grateful for what I do have at the same time. A lot of what's broken is fixable...and that is a change for the better.